Wishful Thinker, I

I want so many things in life. I want to accomplish so many things. I try; I'm always eating more than I can chew. Ambitious, would be the word that describes me.
What have I done these past few days--

The usual-- yep. The usual.
I went to the beach on Wednesday, I think; I got majorly tan, although I was trying to prevent that. I don't want wrinkly skin when I get older-- eww. My "friend" I went with ( I have no clue whether she's my friend or not-- I'm very selective when saying who is my friend-- thus the quotation marks ) was astonished that I wouldn't want to tan. "You're the first person I met that doesn't want to tan! You're INSANE!" blah blah blah :P
Yea, so she was trying to tan the whole time, but she just went pink, red, and rosier red. I, on the other hand, was covering myself verrry well with my towel & hers, but tanned anyway. Geez, I hate getting tan + darker. I don't look good with dark skin like some people would.
So after that, I went to her house, and ate frozen pepperoni pizza (not bad, but very garlicky) and ate homemade rice crispies-- yummm. It was so delicious & scrumptious. I could hear mellifluous chirps in my boggled head with each crispy, sweet bite. :B kahaha~

And yesterday, we had a softball game. We were doing ugly plays the first two innings, but caught up later on, but lost with a 10:11. I scored a point though :D
It was embarassing (at least that's what coach always says when we make a lot of errors) because we gave them their first win... Oh well, he fusses over losing so much, it's so frustrating. He is short-tempered; he throws things down on the ground, spits on the dirt, flies his fists in the air, stomps hard on the ground and grumps *Gahhh!* He reminds me of a little boy throwing tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. I think that's bad for his body because he's stressing out over every single, tiny, small, miniscule detail. If I did that, which I do do sometimes, I would go nuts, and yes, sometimes I do go completely nuts that people tell me to CHIllllllllax! Or plainly "Chill out!" or "Relax" Lol :O
Yea, the head coach is fine; I like him; he's a good guy & I'm glad he's the head coach-- the rest of our coaches are just very odd... and scary at times. I shivered when our coach (not the head coach) was yelling at us.
I watched the varsity game, and the other team made two homeruns... Wow, right. It went "plop" over the fence at leftfield. It was mad hard-core. I bet college games would be 3 times scarier than this, though. I think our team needs to do more hitting with a real pitcher... then we'll get the real feel for hitting. I still get nervous when I'm up to bat; I think I mentioned this in my previous posts, maybe not, but I'll repeat it. My hands shake, legs stumble, heart races, and my body tenses up... But because of that, I sometimes strike out-- I think too much;

Anyways, today I have to catch up on a hefty amount of reading of Lord of the Flies by William Golding. So, I'm gonna go, go, go for now :) Idk when I'll post again after spring break; too busy.

Geez louizz...

Hmm... Spring Breakk! Awesome, right!?

uhm,, maybe not so much for me. I'll be staying home studying, listening to music (Right now- listening to "Baby, it's fact"), go to practice & games, surfing the web, etc, etc, etc.
Not so enjoyable, but oh well. This is life. I gotta make my goals, but I'm not so motivated... you know? Well, I was... Now,.. I'm just spiraling down the ladder. Maybe I should just get out of softball. I wonder if it's 'cuz it takes so much of my time... & I don't have time to focus. I haven't been reading my Bible lately .. I keep blaming it on not having any time. But, exercise is important... I hate blaming things for the outcomes I get. I need to stop. Without change there'll be no difference-- I can't expect progress without changing...
Anyways, I'm excited to go to boarding school next fall ;)
Extremely excited :DD Can't wait to go riding horses on the gently rolling praries, skiing down the hills, camping with cool people! :) (Now I'm listening to "Beautiful Love") lol, just thought I'd mention that. I like Muse too. They're pretty great ;)

Ohhh sheeze. I feel like I have no life blogging and stuff... I'm wasting my life just typing out my life... I'm scared later in the future, I won't even recognize myself, and my personality/character will be lost... Will I ever be able to find myself? Will I get lost in the zillions & zillions of lost souls?

FUTURE:

Do I want to really go to college? I know I don't have to, but it'll be a good idea, right? Yea, I should. I'll learn a lot. It's good to have. I want to go sailing on a ship & stuff. Maybe I should have applied to Proctor Academy as well...
Making decisions are always so scary. Life is scary. I think I have a lifephobia-- scared of life. lolz, there's a lot of scary things to life. Things we don't know about- we shouldn't know about. I want to go back in the past and learn about how they lived life. How was life back then? What did it feel like? I mean, if there is a time machine, I BET THERE IS! I bet someone has already made one, and is just hiding it from the world or else everyone would go nuts-- & maybe they did tell the world, and they had to go back to reverse it -- would it be like losing time? What would happen... Would time just freeze while you're going back to the past? Like, Walt Disney in cryptonics... all frozen up. I wonder what will happen. That's so cool, but super expensive... Your soul wouldn't go ANYWHERE . At least, if you're frozen I don't think so. I heard that when you die, your soul leaves your body and you weigh 2lbs less. So your soul must weigh 2 lbs... Weird- I thought it was intangible-- maybe not.

I want to write stories on boarding school-- prep school. I read the Private series by Kate Brian- it's pretty good - but I'm still waiting on the 4th book from the library-- they really need to stock it up..
Now I'm listening to Mika. I like his songs- they're so cheerful and entertaining. Now I'm listening to Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. It reminds me of the movie August Rush for some reason... I wish I could live/experience other people's lives. Take charge in their life for like a year or so. & just continue living other people's lives. I wouldn't ever die or anything 'cuz I would be intangible and wouldn't need a physical body to support me. I wish I could read other people's minds as well. It'll be cool to know what they're thinking- good or bad. It's interesting. But, it'll be super nosy. I wonder when I'm thinking of things, what if the person right next to me can read my mind? I don't want them to know what I'm thinking! I also want to have photographic memory. I mean it has it's pros and cons, but I just want to see what it's like. Man, typing in yellow is super hard to see... Gah- ;P
hmmm... My goals in life... I don't know... I wish I had some good ones, but really what's the point of life- you die. It doesn't matter what you've done/ experienced/ had... Would it just be completely blank? No afterthoughts or anything? Would your character still exist? I mean, I do believe in God, but I'm still lukewarm... Lately, it's hard to go to church and everything -- whoops, there I go blaming my circumstances- it's so hard to make changes. It's hard to change... for the better.

School Life

Daily life:

6:50 AM -- Get ready for school
7:45 AM -- Ride the bus to school
8:00 AM-- Get help from teachers or chit-chat
8:30 AM-- Pre-AP Alg II

Struggling with an A- in this class... She's so picky about everything... But math is black & white + you do have to be picky--- ugh. I don't like math sometimes.

9:27 AM-- Chemistry with Mr. C :D

HEHE :D I love this class. It's super fun- I'm one of the rare kids that say this - but Mr. C is awesome. haha, our class average is failing. Actually, all his classes are failing. But I like the teacher, so I end up liking his class as well.

10:27 AM- Pre- AP Geography
hmm... dull. Mostly worksheets, essays, reading, note-taking;

11:26 AM- Nutrition & Food Science (aka. COOKING & note-taking class)
So far all we've done is note-taking and tests. But soon we'll be cooking, learning to measure, and try yummy food. My cookies I made from scratch ended up being too sweet.
Note to self: Don't always go with the directions. Follow your instincts.
12:30PM- Lunch
Food is terrible. Disgusting. All processed. Nasty. No further comments on my disgust. YUCK!
1:00 PM--Speech - boooring & unnecessary
Ah, picky teacher. So uptight on formalness. Teahcer's personality is alright, not bad. I hate writing speeches.
1:55 PM-- Pre-AP English
Is relaxed :) I like how it's not all stressful :D Amazing English class I've had. We learn a lot & read a lot. Not bad.
2:50PM-- Softball
Gah... Alright... I get hurt ALL THE TIME. hmm, time consuming.
5:30~6 PM -- Home
6:00 PM - Eat dinner, munch on junk food, computer, check email, homework, etc.
Just random stuff. Lately, I've been procrastinating a LOT. Horrible, horrible, horrible!

10~11:30 PM -- Nighty Night :P

I sleep grabbing a pillow between my legs. ;P

Sleeping is amazing-- it's like you're not there- no thoughts- you could die & not even know . I love sleep.

Who I am

I'm one of those lurkers-- standing behind the scene type of people

However, I tend to attract a lot of attention. Why? I do not know.

Maybe it's my long socks with capris, tight pants with no backpockets, or even the colorful socks I wear to school. I've been told many times - why do you wear that? why do you do that? - I hate the way society tells you how you're supposed to wear things. "You know you're not supposed to wear long socks with capris, right? Did you run out of ankle socks?" I just respond with a, "Oh, how'd you know." My face flushes. Yes, I am the type of person that flushes like a crimson rose to these types of comments. I'm super sensitive to what other people say... I remember them, even if you forget. These comments stay within me...

About me-- who am I --

I don't even know who I am. With each moment, I discover myself. What I do, my habits, my thinking. It's like I'm a specimen I'm studying myself. I was born close to the day of Thanksgiving, it might have been a week from or so, up in the northeastern coast of the USA. Amazing. Life. Life is truly amazing in these moments. You cry when you're born, the world rejoices. The world weeps when you die, as you rejoice. Something like that I suppose. Interesting.

As for what I enjoy-- what do I like doing?

For a reserved-ish person, I enjoy crazy things. I'm not into drugs or trivial matters teenagers fuss about lately. Well, I'll admit it. I do think about trivial matters all the time. That's life today. I mean, people are dying from starvation in other areas- worrying about how they'll survive tomorrow - while I'm here thinking about an exam in a week. Science, softball, algebra-- What has happened to the world. We need to be helping eachother survive... I have become part of the dilemma today- and what am I doing about it... -- surviving school, I suppose.

But, I really believe that everything happens for a reason; There'll be a time to come when I discover why things happened, what it proved in the future, and what kind of person I ultimately became. It will be interesting to look back into the past-- the only reminscience I will have to cherish my moments may just be technology today-- cameras, letters, blogs like this, photos, and stuff... I will miss what I have... fighting with my family, (yea, true, I'll miss that) making cookies and brownies, studying homework, not really having major responsibilities, not having to work for anyone besides my parents,...

Anyways, I am real outdoorsy- I like hiking, camping, skiing, horse-back riding, sledding, rock-climbing, bungy-jumping, ahh. yea. I want to do more things- like what they have in the X-games. I like chocolate-- right now, I am like a chocoholic. I eat chocolate everything. I love ice cream as well. Yep, and I definately love cookies. I'm the cookie monster in our house. Our you could say the garbage disposer of food. I eat so much, it's crazy. I should weigh so much more than I do now. It's amazing. (yea, I'm talking of trivial matters)

I'm so random as well. I just say my thoughts as is. I have to think before I speak too.

I like reading, creative writing, and I want to publish a book. I have a lot of ideas- I just don't finish them. I think it's easier to start something than to finish.

The traits I like are

orange/goldish/brownish hair

hazel or blue eyes (green and brown's fine as well.)

The punkish/ neat style. Rebel looking, but neat :)

I like indie/ punkish/ pop music.

Muse, The Afters, The Killers, The Fray, Entice, Howie Day, Jason Mraz, McFly, The Rocket Summer, HelloGoodBye, are just some I like.

I like traveling- traveling is my thing- not like in-country traveling, but traveling to other countries. I love history- & science but I'll talk about that later. - I love learning about other civilizations and historical events. Not memorizing facts, but figuring out how they came to be, their lifestyle, technology, philosophy, and such sorts. Crusades, Genghis Khan, Amazon Warriors, and such interest me. I want to travel to Switzerland, Egypt, Skandinavia; Actually, I just want to travel all around the world. That'll be amazing. Such an adventure. I want to ride in a ship, like they did back in the day, and just live it. Live every moment. Every breath. Every second of the wind brushing against my face. It'll be a revelation. I'll discover myself. I think that's the only way I'll find out who I am. I'm going to see what's around me, figure things out.

I'm not going to get married early either. Maybe 32 would be nice. But before that- uh-uh. I don't see why so many kids want to get married so soon. They're going to live with their "soul-mate" their WHOLE life. That's crazy.

I hate that I think too much about everything. I overreact. Overdramatic. Overstressed. Perfectionist. I can't sleep sometimes because I think too much. I can't sleep with sounds interfering.

My favorite teacher is Mr. Black- Honors world history & literature teacher (He's not my teacher now, I wish he were) He's all the way in Europe. Lucky. I learned/ absorbed like a sponge so much in one year. It's amazing. I still remember things because it connected-- everything connected. Unlike the class I'm in now. Everything's --- separate. We learn through chapters, but they don't relate to eachother. So after every test, I'm forgetting what we learned. Public schools have such a terrible method of teaching.